Beetlejuice Vs The Mask
by Clayton Overstreet
Summary: Never try to wedgie a dead man


I don't own these characters or profit from them.

Before I get to writing this I just want to say that if you have any reservations about the following crossover ever happening don't read this. And just so we're clear I'm basing it on the cartoons as much as the movies. If you need a refresher course try Youtube.

Beetlejuice Versus The Mask

By, Clayton Overstreet

Stanley Ipkis dragged himself up the stairs to his tiny apartment. He was covered in green goo on the floor. He was trying to be quiet, but inevitably a floorboard squeaked and the door to Mrs. Peeman's apartment burst open. "Ipkis! What are you dripping all over my floor."

Making sure the mask was hidden in his oozing jacket Stanley sighed. "I'm sorry Mrs. Peenman. I'll pay clean it up."

"You bet you will Ipkis! That's my good hardwood floor and you're going to pay an extra hundred dollars on your rent to have it cleaned professionally!"

"Yes Mrs. Peeman," he said. She slammed the door shut and he winced. Gradually his hand moved towards the mask. "No! Not again! You already got me into enough trouble today." He hurried to his apartment and went inside. Milo jumped up and barked, but then paused and looked him over. "Hey Milo."

Milo barked.

"Yeah, you'll never believe this one. Putty Thing is still trying to help Fish Guy turn into something cool." Milo whined and Stanley made his way into the bathroom peeling off his clothes and getting into the shower. "So they stole this radioactive isotope and this huge blender full of beetles. I guess he wanted bug powers or something. So I arrive to stop them and The Mask decides to just break the thing. He stops them and I end up covered in beetle juice!" A few minutes later he finished showering and rushed out to fill Milo's food dish. The dog started eating greedily.

"I mean come on. Superman never has this problem. I'm the only superhero I know that ends up covered in beetle juice." He picked up the mask and took it into the bathroom, running it under the sink. A hunk of thorax stuck to his thumb. "Ew! Milo I tell you, no matter what I am never going anywhere near that many bugs again. Still I guess it could be worse. If their stupid plan had worked Fish Guy would have transformed and the Mask probably would have squashed him into beetle juice." Stanley turned off the light and tossed the Mask onto the couch. "If it's okay with you Milo, I'm just going to get some shut eye." He walked over to his bed and crashed down.

Milo was about to join him when something moved in the bathroom. Tilting his head he walked in until he saw Stanley's reflection, still in the mirror. It waved him to come over. Milo looked between it and Stanley. Had he been a human he might have noticed the overly large green teeth in the reflection. "Hey doggy… take a look at this!" He held up a bone covered with meat. Milo barked happily and jumped onto the sink. Then at the mirror with a loud thump. "Ho hahahaahahha hoho! Good dog! Now…" The reflection changed again into a large black and white striped cat and crawled out of the mirror. "Here puppy!"

Milo whimpered and ran out and to the bed, diving under it. Stanley rolled over. "Milo, go to sleep."

Mrs. Peeman banged on the wall. "Ipkis! Shut up that dog of yours or else!"

The cat slowly faded, chuckling. "This is going to be fun!"

Stanley was awakened a few hours later by loud screams. He sat up and felt his face. "Whew! I'm not wearing it." He heard the yelling again and recognized Mrs. Peeman screaming in terror. He ran to the door and flung it open, running next door. He knocked loudly and heard more screams. He opened the door and stared inside.

Mrs. Peeman was floating in the air. The curlers in her hair had changed into writhing snakes. Her walls were oozing green slime. Milo came out of Stanley's apartment and peered around his legs. "I didn't put on the Mask, right Milo?" Without warning Mrs. Peeman fell to the floor and into the piling slime. Slipping she ran screaming past Stanley and out into the street.

Suddenly a pale and hideous face appeared in front of him. Stanley looked down and saw him floating in the air on the other side of the railing. "Hey man! Thanks for calling me out! I haven't had a decent job on this side in years!"

"What?" Stanley backed away, staring in shock at the yellow eyes with space on all sides in their sockets. The pale skin that looked like it was suffering gangrene. The tips of his nails were blood red and he wore a suit made of vertical black and white stripes over a purple suit and black tie with greasy blond hair. He smiled at Stanley with a mouth full of rotted green teeth with things crawling in them and when he breathed out Stanley had to cover his nose from the smell. "What are you?"

"Call me BJ," the thing said. "Here's my card." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a large cockroach. "Whoops, wrong pocket." He put the bug in his mouth and crunched down. Stanley felt sick. Reaching into another pocket he pulled out a business card and handed it over.

Stanley gingerly took the card. "'Beetlejuice. The Ghost With The Most. Freelance Bio-exorcist. Say it once, say it twice, third time's the charm.' What is a bio-exorcist?"

"Well you know how an exorcist chases ghosts and demons out of a house?" Stanley nodded. "I do that to the living." He pointed to Mrs. Peeman's apartment. "How do you like my work?"

Stanley looked back. "Uh… nice?"

"Thanks. I came up with it myself."

"So you're done now right?" Stanley asked hopefully.

"Are you kiddin'? I haven't been let out in years. I'm feeling creative. I think I can really do some good here. Maybe I can clear out the whole town!"

"What? You can't do that!" Stanley said. "Look, if I called you up then you should have to listen to me! And I want you to go away!"

"Aw really?" Beetlejuice said. "Well if that's the way you feel…" He vanished in a cloud of bats and a horrible stench.

Stanley sighed and leaned against the railing. Looking down at Milo he said, "That was a close one…" Milo was backing away, ears laid back. "Milo? What's wrong." Suddenly the banister moved under his hands. Turning around he saw a huge striped snake with Bettlejuice's head and a mouth full of fangs.

"Hey pal, guess what?" He leaned into Stanley's face. "I ain't a genie!"

"Ah!" Stanley let go backing away until he was in Mrs. Peeman's apartment where he slipped and fell in the slime. "Aw, man! I just got cleaned off!"

"Hahahahaa!" Beetlejuice cackled.

Stanley got up and glared at the ghost angrily. "Stop it right now."

"Or what?" Beetlejuice appeared next to him and threw his arm over Stanley's shoulder. Then he pulled back and licked the slime off his hand. "Look pal, I get it. I'm a real rude surprise. You don't want bad things to happen in your town. I got a girl who gets me to do the hero thing all the time."

"You have a girlfriend?" He looked ill.

"Sure do. Sweet little thing too," he pulled out a wallet that unfolded into pictures of a woman Stanley would guess to be about twenty five or thirty. She was very pale and wore a business suit. "We met back when she was in high school." He pointed to one picture of her giving him a kiss on the cheek.

"She's alive? And she willingly kisses you?Yuck!" He blinked. "She looks kind of like that actress who got arrested for shoplifting…"

Beetlejuice put the wallet away. "Yeah. Well like I was saying I get where you're coming from. But here's where I'm coming from. I've got major supernatural powers and you don't. So I'm gonna do pretty much whatever I want." He floated back out and began passing through the far wall over the front door. "So long sucker!"

Stanley shouted, "Wait a second! You aren't going anywhere!" He ran into his apartment. From the open door Beetlejuice could see a bright flash. A second later the Mask appeared dressed up as a Ghostbuster along with Milo.

"Whoa," Beetlejuice said. "Did not see that coming!"

The Mask said, "Remember Milo, don't cross the streams!" He felt something warm and wet on his leg and looked down. "Hey! That's not what I meant!"

Beetlejuice floated back over. "Who're you supposed to be? The jolly green jackass?"

The Mask spun around and was suddenly in his yellow suit. "I happen to be Edge City's premier superhero, the Mask."

"Hey, I've got a mask too!" Beetlejuice reached up and pulled off his face. The Mask blanched back. "Oops, guess not!" He put his face back on.

"You are one gross guy!" The Mask smiled and said, "I like it! Stanley really wants me to send you back where you came from, but how about I go hang out at the Coco Bongo for a while and you just enjoy your stay?"

"What? That's it?"

"What can I say? I'm a lover not a fighter. Later pal!" In a flash he was gone.

Beetlejuice frowned. "I think I just got dumped. Nobody does that to me! Hey you! Wait up!"

The Mask was sitting at his usual table listening to the scantily clad woman up on stage singing and watching her dance around. "Oh yeah Baby!" He wolf whistled.

Moving through the crowd the woman walked up to him still singing. When she got to his table she said, "Hey baby, how about a kiss?"

"Woo hoo!" The Mask leaned over and kissed her. Then a stench hit his nose. "Uh, I hate to bring this up, but your scent is eerily familiar!"

"You think so?" She pulled back and smiled with a mouth full of green teeth. "Get a better whiff!" She let out a huge belch right in his face.

The Mask's head melted into a green puddle leaving just his skull. Then he reformed and glared. "Have you heard of mouthwash?"

Beetlejuice appeared out of the girl. She stared for a second and then ran screaming. "Heard of it, sure."

"What are you doing here?"

"I thought you said you were going out to have a little fun!" He snapped his fingers. "Well so am I!" The palm trees scattered around the room morphed into striped man eating plants and began snapping at the shocked patrons. Soon everyone was screaming and running for the exit. Then the tablecloths came to life like ghosts and started chasing them out the door. Beetlejuice called after them, "Lousy cheapskates! Come back and pay the bill!" Beetlejuice smirked. "Not that I don't dine and dash myself, but then again most of my meals are usually running away from me!"

The Mask looked around the at the empty room. "That is it! You can torture my landlady! You can make fun of Stanley! But when you close down a party at the Coco Bongo you're going too far!" He spun around and transformed into a large wrestler. "Bring it on spook!"

Beetlejuice swelled up and was suddenly in a striped leotard. "Alright! You want a fight, you got it!"

"I'll tear you to pieces!"

"I'll rip your limbs off!"

"But first!" The Mask reached around and grabbed Bettlejuice's underwear. "Wedgie!" He pulled them up over the ghost's head. Then he looked at his fingers, which were now crawling with bugs. "Ew! When did you last clean these?"

"I don't know. Who is the king of England now?" Ripping the underwear off Beetlejuice said, "Wedgies are fine for beginners. But let me show you what the Ghost with the Most can do!" He snapped his fingers and a can appeared labeled Fire Ants. Biting the top off and licking his lips he grabbed the Mask's pants and pulled them open before dumping the whole can inside. The Mask stared in shock as the ants started biting him and his pants burst into flames. Beetlejuice licked the inside of the can. "Mmm, spicy!"

"Yah!" The Mask shot up through the roof and out into the street. "My pants are on fire!"

"Quick, put it out with this…" Beetlejuice handed him a bucket. The Mask grabbed and poured it over his pants. The flames grew.

The Mask read the side of the bucket. "Gasoline." He looked at Beetlejuice. "I hate you…" He burned to ash and fell to the ground as ash.

"Sucker!" Beetlejuice laughed and turned around the float away. The Mask was standing there glaring at him. "Uh oh…"

The Mask twisted around and came back dressed in priest's robes and a Richard Simmons haircut. "Time for a little exorcise!" He whirled around Beetlejuice and strapped him to a treadmill. "The power of Christ compels you!"

"Hey!" Beetlejuice said. "What are you doing?" He hit the button on the treadmill and cranked it up to hyper speed. Beetlejuice began running his feet moving in a blur. Smoke rode up from them.

"Prepare to boldly go where nobody has gone before!" He kicked side of the machine and it dropped down to the ground and sped off into a bright flash. Wiping his hands the Mask said, "Well, that's done!"

Suddenly there was a blue rip in space and Beetlejuice came floating out of it. "Run!" A huge worm covered in purple stripes stuck its head out of the hole. "Worm holes! You know I hate 'em!"

"Whack a mole!" The Mask pulled out a giant mallet and hit the worm, sending it back into the hole which closed with a huge explosion. It sent the Mask and Beetlejuice flying into buildings on opposite sides of the street. The Mask landed on a display in a computer store and Beetlejuice landed in an antique store. Beetlejuice's hand rubbed against an old lamp and the Mask's butt typed out a specific code on the keyboard.

From the lamp a blue figure appeared out of smoke. "Wow, a few thousand years will give you such a crimp in the neck!"

Out of the computer screen another blue face appeared and stared at the Mask. It wore a black mask over its eyes and the hair stood up like the Bride of Frankenstein. His whole body was covered in what looked like long red underwear. When he spoke he sounded like Jerry Lewis. "Hello nice man with the green face!"

Beetlejuice and the Mask each grabbed them and shoved them back where they came from. "Go away ya blue freak!" Stepping out into the street and brushing off broken glass they shared a look. The Mask twirled and was suddenly wearing a suit just like Beetlejuice's. "Cameos, you know I hate 'em!"

"Hey, no stealing my lines!"

The Mask moved next to him. "Look BJ, it seems we're pretty evenly matched. How about we solve this some other way? Maybe a limbo contest."

Beetlejuice smirked and shrank down to the size of a bug. "How low can you go?"

The Mask tried to step on him, but suddenly found himself shrunk and Beetlejuice standing over him like a black and white giant. "Lunch Time!" He bent down and tried to eat the Mask who grew large. Beetlejuice got a mouth full of shoe.

"I so need some odor eaters after this!" Beetlejuice vanished. He reached behind his back and brought out the big book of ghosts. "Let's see what this says." He began flipping through the pages. "Beetlejuice…Beetlejuice… ah here we go! Beetlejuice!"

"Oh no!" A voice said and there was a loud pop.

The Mask read. "To summon or banish this pesky ghost you merely need to call his name three times…" He blinked. "Well… that was easy." He closed the book and put it away. "Now! Let's see if this town has any other decent clubs!" He paused. "But first!"

Callaway sat in his car sipping his coffee outside the Coco Bongo. "The Mask is behind this."

"I don't know Lieutenant." Doyle said. "All the witnesses said the Mask was fighting the guy who did it." The Mask appeared by his window and handed him a card. "Hey, thanks!"

"What? It's the…" The Mask ran off. "After him."

"But we'll never catch him." Doyle handed over the card. "Look, he left this."

Callaway took it and stared. "Bio-exorcist? What's that?"

"It sounds kinda fancy."

"This is obviously some kind of joke of the Mask's. It's probably some tongue twister. Trying to get me to say something stupid."

"Well that's new. Usually he just tries to wedgie you. What could saying this three times do? It doesn't sound too silly." He looked at the card. "Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice."

Callaway crumpled the card up. "Forget it. Let's just get out of here."

"You got it. Hey, mind if I drive?"

"Doyle, are you okay? Your voice sounds a little off."

They switched seats and Doyle winked at Callaway. He grinned showing off a mouth full of green teeth. Working he gearshift he said, "I'm fine. But you might want to buckle up."

"Doyle?" The car lurched forward at high speed, tired squealing. "Doyle!"

"Hahahahaahahahaah!"

As the smoke cleared the Mask stood grinning. "Somebody really should stop him."

Another ghost materialized next to him. This one was white haired in a black and white outfit with a large D on his chest. "Need help with a ghost?"

The Mask sighed. "This is so not my night."

Author's note

I just wanted to do this. I was wondering who would win in a fight between Beetlejuice and the Mask. Now we know. If I misspelled a name, don't tell me. You obviously knew who I meant or you wouldn't know it was misspelled. Tell me what you think


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